Luisa (name changed) has been having an affair in Berlin for about a year. What started out as fun and a tingling time turned into more over time. No, not a relationship. But an inner conflict. Because the man Luisa is having an affair with is married. Find out what that does to her and whether she blames herself for cheating in her report.
I am his mistress – and I have no feelings of guilt
It takes two to make an affair. No question about it. Back then, when I got involved with Tim (name changed), I didn’t think at all about what might happen.
From the beginning, it was clear to us that we were looking for something casual and did not want to make a commitment. We found each other on a singles community for Berlin and made everything clear straight away. Also that it would only be a lasting romance if it really harmonised in bed. Otherwise it was just going to be a one-off. But the sex was so good that it turned into a full-blown affair.
When we met, it was in a hotel. Neutral ground where you could just let yourself go. We talked a lot, but mostly on a small-talk level. Our conversations never went into depth. But the physical part was all the more intense.
At some point he revealed to me that he was married. I already knew that he was taken. After all, that was one of the reasons why we only met in hotels. But I didn’t know that there was a whole marriage attached to it.
How do I deal with the knowledge of his wife?
When I found out about his wife, I didn’t mind at all at first. Maybe it’s because I’ve already experienced, seen and heard a lot as a single person in Berlin. And because I assumed that it was his decision and he had to live with it. But at some point doubts began to gnaw at me: Am I not also somehow his accomplice, knowing about his wife?
As we once again fell exhausted and happy next to each other into the pillows of a hotel bed after lovemaking, I finally asked Tim: “Don’t you want to leave your wife? “. He said nothing at first. The words hung heavy in the room. Then all that came was, “I can’t.”
I left it at that. I enjoyed our uncomplicated arrangement too much to want to ruin it with my questions. But I came to realise that if you decide to cheat, you do it on purpose and bear the responsibility – and thus the guilt – for it. Anyone who gets involved as a second person and knows that the other person is taken is also guilty.
And yet: If you do not know the partner of your affair, you are partly to blame for cheating – but you do not have the moral responsibility to justify yourself to the person you are cheating on. That is the sole responsibility of the person in the relationship or marriage. You owe honesty there.