Asexuality – Is it him or me?

At the beginning of every relationship there is this great excitement. A tingling sensation. The desire for each other. Hot dates. Most of all, you don’t even want to leave your bed. There is so much to discover and experience!

But even in the best relationships, at some point a routine sets in. For some, the desire for sex also decreases. From three times a day to three times a week becomes three times a month …

This phenomenon is not that rare. Frequent sex is good for a relationship – even in the long term. According to an ElitePartner study from 2018, for which more than 7,000 people were interviewed, there is a clearly identifiable connection between sexual frequency and relationship satisfaction.

However, there are couples for whom at some point frequent lovemaking does not lead to any closeness at all. Or worse: SHE longs for intimacy. HE gives the impression that he doesn’t need it. How can that be?

No desire – It’s a reality

Asexual people really do exist. Among women. Among men. Affected people have no desire for sex. It is estimated that around 1% of Germans are asexual. Or maybe a lot more. Both singles and couples are affected.

In fact, asexuality is not viewed as a disease that needs treatment. Rather, it is simply another sexual orientation. Just like heterosexuality or bisexuality. Asexual singles date, they like to kiss, they love to be close. Only sex is irrelevant to them.

So far so good. But what happens when you are in a relationship with an asexual person? Women in particular may experience the sexual aversion of their partners as a real torture. They feel undesirable. Unloved. Rejected.

Asexuality in a man has absolutely nothing to do with his partner. Even if women often tend to blame themselves.

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Asexuality: How to deal with it

When it comes to sexless couples, outsiders are quick to say: “I couldn’t live with that. You should break up.” In itself, that’s an option. But especially with lovers who really feel for one another, that’s easier said than done.

There are also other ways out of the crisis. Couples with an asexual partner may be happy together and find closeness to one another. For example, through gentle massages with a happy ending or just personal touches that you don’t share with anyone else.

As always in a relationship, the following also applies here: Talking is the be-all and end-all. Together, further solutions can be worked out. For example, there is the option of an open relationship and casual dating. This way, the desire for the purely physical can be lived out with others. The emotional intimacy and the feelings remain with the partner.

Separation is an option

Of course, breaking up with your asexual partner doesn’t make you a bad person. If the unwanted abstinence gnaws too much at you, the physical part is missing, then a separation is perfectly legitimate. Even when feelings and love are involved. Yes, it hurts. But it will pass. A long-term relationship with an asexual person, on the other hand, will not.

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